The 10th Annual EMOs

It’s a big year – for the tenth time, I’m rolling out my annual awards for the Year in Movies gone by. On the one hand, I would like to pause and celebrate, not just the 35 films mentioned herein, but, self-indulgently, the EMOs themselves. Ten years of movies, ten years of jokes, ten years of hastily and poorly-chosen awards – Ethan’s Makeshift Oscars are a pleasure to put together and present every time, whether in the form of Facebook Note, formalwear party, dialogue between the darkest parts of my own id, Google Hangout, what have you. They started as a way to correct, in my mind, some of the wrongs done by major awards bodies – not enough love for the demi-god Michael Shannon, for instance – but a perusal over the history of the EMOs reveals that my own quirky, spur-of-the-moment choices are not necessarily more guaranteed to stand the test of time (that Best Supporting Actress for Chloe Möretz in Hugo stings). I’m glad for everyone who has indulged this nonsense with me, anyway.

But I’d also like to just get a move on, because I am as eager as everyone else to put the year 2016 firmly in the rearview mirror. In past years I’ve gone further with the EMOs in terms of offering “bonus” commentary, and framed things in terms of nominees. As I’m handing them out purely via this blog post this year, we’re going to cut to the chase in every category, with the winner immediately revealed, followed by others “receiving votes”; that is, other films or performances that I’d still like to mention that I considered. If I’ve called it out, it’s worth your time, is my general attitude. And as always, in Part II of the EMOs, every movie is a winner. At some point I might do a compendium of my favorite EMO awards from the first ten years of its existence, but it is not this day.

And, of course, a reminder that to qualify for the EMOs a film must’ve been theatrically released in the U.S. in 2016 AND I had to see it in 2016 (with the exception of the poster and trailer categories, of course). I’ll be back with a more robust Top 10 list after I’ve had some time to catch up with the end-of-year glut in January and February. And do watch for the second annual ERPs (Ethan’s Repertory Picks), also coming soon! Enjoy!


Best Action Film: Green Room

Receiving Votes:
Captain America: Civil War
Deadpool

Funniest Film: Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Receiving Votes:
Deadpool
Hunt for the Wilderpeople
The Nice Guys
Manchester by the Sea (no, really)
Zootopia
Hail, Caesar!

Most Fucked-Up Protagonist: sad white rich people, Nocturnal Animals

Receiving votes:
Michéle, Elle
Lee Chandler, Manchester By the Sea
Wade, Deadpool

Most Inexplicable Multi-Scene Pop Star Appearance: Shakira, Zootopia

Receiving votes:
Janelle Monáe,  Moonlight
Seal, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Most Deserving to Have Everyone Involved in Production Die a Horribly Painful Death Just For Making Me Watch the Trailer: Same Kind of Different As Me

Receiving votes:
Yoga Hosers
Gods of Egypt
The Wild Life
Maximum Ride

 

Best Cameo: Will Arnett/Chelsea Peretti/Eric Andre/Mike Birbiglia as the “CMZ” reporters, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Receiving votes:
Jena Malone, Nocturnal Animals
Justin Timberlake, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Frances McDormand, Hail, Caesar!
Taika Waititi, Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Christina Hendricks, The Neon Demon
Michael Shannon, Loving

Breakthrough Actor/Actress of the Year: Anya Taylor-Joy, The Witch

Receiving votes:
Jaeden Lieberher, Midnight Special
Lily Gladstone, Certain Women
Ashton Sanders, Moonlight
Lucas Hedges, Manchester By the Sea
Markees Christmas, Morris from America
Wyatt Russell, Everybody Wants Some!!
Sasha Lane, American Honey
Julian Dennison, Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Best Poster:
Moonlight
moonlight-poster

Receiving votes:
The Handmaiden
the-handmaiden-poster
Lo and Behold, Reveries of the Connected World
lo_and_behold_reveries_of_the_connected_world
Men Go to Battle
men_go_to_battle
De Palma
de_palma
The Birth of a Nation
birth_of_a_nation
La La Land
lalalandposter
Green Room
gr_web
The Neon Demon
the-neon-demon-poster
American Honey
american-honey-poster

Best Trailer: Moonlight

Receiving votes:
The Witch
Logan
La La Land
The Handmaiden
Jackie
High-Rise
Rogue One
Get Out
American Honey

 

Best Scene: mansion detour, American Honey

Receiving votes:
diner, Moonlight
“Would that it were so simple”, Hail, Caesar!
the ending of The Lobster
“Do you think we could get lunch sometime?”, Manchester By the Sea
Churchill, Love & Friendship
the runway, The Neon Demon
“Once, I was a fucking jet engine”, Sing Street
offering a ride, Certain Women

Best Use of an Existing Song: “We Found Love,” Rihanna + Calvin Harris, American Honey

Receiving votes:
“American Honey”, Lady Antebellum, American Honey
“Nazi Punks Fuck Off”, The Dead Kennedys, Green Room
“God’s Whisper”, Raury, American Honey

Best Original Song: “I’m So Humble”, perf. The Lonely Island w/ Adam Levine, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Receiving votes:
“Drive It Like You Stole It”, perf. Sing Street, Sing Street
“Incredible Thoughts”, perf. The Lonely Island w/ Michael Bolton, Justin Timberlake, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
“Brown Shoes”, perf. Sing Street, Sing Street
“Up”, perf. Sing Street, Sing Street
“Try Everything”, perf. Shakira, Zootopia
“Milestone 2 (Skux Life)”, perf. Moniker, Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Best Original Score: Nicholas Britell, Moonlight

Receiving votes:
David Wingo, Midnight Special
Jóhann Jóhannson, Arrival
Mark Korven, The Witch
Dario Marianelli, Kubo and the Two Strings
Cliff Martinez, The Neon Demon
Nick Cage and Warren Ellis, Hell or High Water
Clint Mansell, High-Rise

https://open.spotify.com/user/egates12/playlist/7xdVKEbVkRp6Cm0vZMTy8C

 

Best Cinematography: Robbie Ryan, American Honey

Receiving votes:
James Laxton, Moonlight
Chung Chung-hoon, The Handmaiden
Bradford Young, Arrival
Jarin Blaschke, The Witch
Christopher Blauvelt, Certain Women
Stéphane Fontaine, Elle
Giles Nuttgins, Hell or High Water
Seamus McGarvey, Nocturnal Animals
Nathasha Braier, The Neon Demon
Laurie Rose, High-Rise
Anthony Dod Mantle, Our Kind of Traitor

Best Adapted Screenplay: Whit Stillman, Love & Friendship

Receiving votes:
Chung Seo-kyung, Park Chan-wook, The Handmaiden
David Birke, Elle
Taika Waititi, Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Franck Ekinci, Benjamin Legrand, April and the Extraordinary World

Best Original Screenplay: Yorgos Lanthimos, Efthymis Filippou, The Lobster

Receiving votes:
Barry Jenkins, Tarell Alvin McCraney, Moonlight
Kenneth Lonergan, Manchester By the Sea
Taylor Sheridan, Hell or High Water
Jeremy Saulnier, Green Room
Robert Eggers, The Witch
Jeff Nichols, Midnight Special
Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, Jorma Taccone, Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping
Joel Coen, Ethan Coen, Hail, Caesar!

Best Supporting Actor: Alden Ehrenreich, Hail, Caesar!

Receiving Votes:
Mahershala Ali, Moonlight
Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water
Laurent Lafitte, Elle
Michael Shannon, Nocturnal Animals
Tom Bennett, Love & Friendship
Gil Birmingham, Hell or High Water
Craig Robinson, Morris from America
Joel Edgerton, Midnight Special
Jack Reynor, Sing Street
Damian Lewis, Our Kind of Traitor
Patrick Stewart, Green Room

Best Supporting Actress: Jena Malone, The Neon Demon

Receiving votes:
Lily Gladstone, Certain Women
Kristen Stewart, Certain Women
Laura Dern, Certain Women
Léa Seydoux, The Lobster
Naomie Harris, Moonlight
Rooney Mara, Kubo and the Two Strings
Kate Dickie, The Witch

Best Actor: (tie) Ben Foster and Chris Pine, Hell or High Water

Receiving votes:
(tie) Alex Hibbert, Ashton Sanders and Trevonte Rhodes, Moonlight
Casey Affleck, Manchester by the Sea
Michael Shannon, Midnight Special
Colin Farrell, The Lobster
Josh Brolin, Hail, Caesar!
Sam Neill, Hunt for the Wilderpeople
Logan Marshall-Green, The Invitation
Ralph Ineson, The Witch
Ryan Gosling, The Nice Guys
Joel Edgerton, Loving

Best Actress: Isabelle Huppert, Elle

Receiving votes:
Kim Tae-Ri, The Handmaiden
Kim Min-hee, The Handmaiden
Amy Adams, Arrival
Anya Taylor-Joy, The Witch
Kate Beckinsale, Love & Friendship
Ruth Negga, Loving
Imogen Poots, Green Room
Rachel Weisz, The Lobster
Sasha Lane, American Honey

Best Acting Ensemble: Moonlight

Receiving votes:
Certain Women
Manchester By the Sea
Love & Friendship
The Lobster
Midnight Special
Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Best Director: Barry Jenkins, Moonlight

Receiving votes:
Kirsten Johnson, Cameraperson
Park Chan-wook, The Handmaiden
Paul Verhoeven, Elle
Andrea Arnold, American Honey
Robert Eggers, The Witch
Yorgos Lanthimos, The Lobster
Ava DuVernay, 13th
David Mackenzie, Hell or High Water
Kelly Reichardt, Certain Women

Best Movie: Moonlight

Receiving Votes:
Cameraperson
The Handmaiden
Elle
The Witch
American Honey
The Lobster
Manchester by the Sea
13th
Hell or High Water
Certain Women
Love & Friendship
Green Room
Arrival

2016 Special Achievement (given to a film or film-adjacent contributor for a stellar year across multiple works or media that I consumed in 2016, potentially including movies, TV, theater, the internet, etc.):
Bill Camp (for Ivo Van Hove’s Broadway revival of “The Crucible”, HBO miniseries “The Night Of”, and stellar work in brief parts of both Midnight Special and Loving, though we won’t mention him in Jason Bourne)

Receiving votes:
Michael Shannon (for never having a dull moment in Midnight SpecialNocturnal Animals or even two minutes of Loving, and for generally being Michael Shannon)
Mahershala Ali (for breaking out of the “House of Cards” doldrums in dramatic style with Moonlight and “Luke Cage”)
Jena Malone (for proving in The Neon Demon and Nocturnal Animals that she desperately needs some talented director(s) to give her a Kristen Stewart-style career makeover)

The Putin the Platypus Memorial Award for Misogyny: The Neon Demon

Fan Service – The Movie! : Deadpool

Most Hot Button Political Issues Stepped Into: Zootopia

Most Hot Button Political Issues Not Stepped Into: Jason Bourne

Happiest Affront to Every John le Carré Book I’ve Ever Read: Our Kind of Traitor

Most Under-Marketed Naked Tom Hiddleston: High-Rise

Cubby Broccoli Memorial Award for Keeping a Franchise Relatively Fresh Thirteen Installments In Even Though Oh My God I Still Don’t Give a Shit About Bucky: Captain America: Civil War

Call Your Mother More: No Home Movie

Most Beautiful Mannequins That Also Happen to Be Famous Actors: Nocturnal Animals

Worst Critical Praise to Bechdel Test Ratio: Everybody Wants Some!!

Most Tilda Swintons: Hail, Caesar!

Least Work Done to Overcome the Stereotype That All Germans Are EDM DJs: Morris from America

Most Terrifying Validation of Every Single One of My Social Anxieties: The Invitation

Best Half-Hearted Impression of Kiss Kiss Bang Bang That Mostly Just Makes You Want to Watch Kiss Kiss Bang Bang Again: The Nice Guys

Most Inarticulate Civil Rights Heroes: Loving

Best Opening Line, And That’s Not Even a Joke, Guys:  Kubo and the Two Strings

The Nigel Tufnel Award For Going to 11: Popstar: Never Stop Never Stopping

Most Inauthentically Terrific High School Band: Sing Street

Most Inventive Piece of Alternate Reality That Isn’t As Depressing As “The Man In the High Castle”: April and the Extraordinary World

Blandest Conception of Hyper-Real Extra-Dimensional Space Gods: Midnight Special

Silliest Sam Neill: Hunt for the Wilderpeople

Most Plot Holes That Have Nothing to Do with Time Science in a Time Science Movie: Arrival

Most Comfortingly Isolated Nazi Punks: Green Room

Best Redemption of a Dismissed Celebrity and No It’s Not Ryan Reynolds As Deadpool, Dammit: Kate Beckinsale, Love & Friendship

The Robert Altman Memorial Award for Resurrecting Rene Auberjonois: Certain Women

The Jeff Bridges Award for Being Jeff Bridges: Jeff Bridges, Hell or High Water

Most Tightly Paced Application of White Guilt: 13th

Most Authentically Terrible High School Band: Manchester by the Sea

Closest Resemblance to What Wes Anderson’s Personal Upside Down Probably Looks Like: The Lobster

Most Disturbing Rat Tail: Shia LaBeouf, American Honey

Happiest Ending: The Witch

Best Example, Possibly Ever, That the Savviest Direction Can Be Good Casting: Elle

Best Performance of Jingle Bells: The Handmaiden

Most Surprisingly Genial Time Spent in Awful, Awful Places: Cameraperson

Darkest Direction to Take Miss Moneypenny: Moonlight

The 9th Annual EMOs

It’s time for Ethan’s Makeshift Oscars – the ninth (ninth!) annual edition. The rules are the same as always: to qualify for nomination, a film had to be both released and seen (by me) in 2015. This year, 36 movies met those conditions, so there’s a lot to get through – let’s get right to it!

Best Action Film:

  • Spectre
  • Furious 7
  • Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
  • Sicario
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Mad Max: Fury Road

Funniest Film:

  • Inside Out
  • Grandma
  • Tangerine
  • Results
  • Shaun the Sheep Movie
  • What We Do in the Shadows
  • Mistress America

Most Fucked-Up Protagonist:

  • Trevor and Kat, “Results”
  • Max, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Marlon Brando, “Listen to Me Marlon”
  • Caleb, “Ex Machina”
  • Steve Jobs, “Steve Jobs”

Most Unethical Science:

  • The Martian
  • The Stanford Prison Experiment
  • Ex Machina

Most Appealing Depiction of 1950s-era New York:

  • Bridge of Spies
  • Carol
  • Brooklyn

Best Entry in a Franchise Originating From the 1970s or Earlier:

  • Spectre
  • Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Creed
  • Mad Max: Fury Road

Best Sixth Sequel:

  • Furious 7
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • Creed

Most Deserving to Have Everyone Involved in Production Die a Horribly Painful Death Just for Making Me Watch the Trailer:

  • No Escape
  • Hitman: Agent 47
  • Hot Pursuit
  • Entourage
  • Mortdecai

Scene-Stealer Award:

  • Julie Delpy, “Avengers: Age of Ultron”
  • Snoop Dogg, “Pitch Perfect 2”
  • Meryl Streep, “Suffragette”
  • Paula Poundstone and Bobby Moynihan, “Inside Out”

Breakthrough Actor/Actress of the Year:

  • Kitana Kiki Rodriguez, “Tangerine”
  • Michael Angarano, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
  • Rebecca Ferguson, “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
  • Daisy Ridley, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
  • Julia Garner, “Grandma”
  • Emory Cohen, “Brooklyn”
  • Mya Taylor, “Tangerine”
  • Lola Kirke, “Mistress America”

Best Poster:

  • Red Army

  • Mad Max: Fury Road

  • Ant-Man

  • The Hateful Eight

  • Brooklyn

  • The End of the Tour

  • Sicario

  • It Follows

  • Carol

image1

  • Tangerine

Best Trailer:

  • Macbeth
  • Chi-Raq
  • Spectre
  • Creed
  • Steve Jobs
  • Straight Outta Compton
  • Spotlight
  • Star Wars: The Force Awakens
  • The Revenant
  • Hail, Caesar!

Best Scene:

  • counting potatoes, “The Martian”
  • the Berlin Wall goes up, “Bridge of Spies”
  • opera operation, “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
  • Mexico City, “Spectre”
  • infrared raid, “Sicario”
  • “We’re not ugly people,” “Carol”
  • dancing, “Ex Machina”
  • one-shot fight, “Creed”

Best Use of an Existing Song:

  • “Uprising,” Muse, from “Pitch Perfect 2”
  • “Shaun the Sheep Theme,” from “Shaun the Sheep Movie”
  • “We Belong,” Pat Benatar, from “Pitch Perfect 2”
  • “This Will Destroy You,” The Mighty Rio Grande, from “Room”
  • “Casadh an Tsúgáin (Frankie’s Song)”, from “Brooklyn”
  • “Get Down Saturday Night,” Oliver Cheatham, from “Ex Machina”

Best Original Song:

  • “Lucky Stiff,” performed by Eric Idle, from “Lucky Stiff”
  • “Fine on the Outside,” performed by Priscilla Ahn, from “When Marnie Was There”
  • “Feels Like Summer,” performed by Tim Wheeler, from “Shaun the Sheep Movie”
  • “See You Again,” performed by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth, from “Furious 7”

Best Original Score:

  • Fernando Velázquez, “Crimson Peak”
  • Thomas Newman, “Spectre”
  • Geoff Barrow, Ben Salisbury, “Ex Machina”
  • John Williams, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
  • Howard Shore, “Spotlight”
  • Dan Romer, “Beasts of No Nation”
  • Junkie XL (Tom Holkenberg), “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Carter Burwell, “Carol”
  • Jóhann Jóhannson, “Sicario”
  • Michael Brook, “Brooklyn”

Prettiest Pictures:

  • Hoyte van Hoytema, “Spectre”
  • Danny Cohen, “Room”
  • Alwin Kuchler, “Steve Jobs”
  • Cary Fukunaga, “Beasts of No Nation”
  • Charlotte Bruus Christensen, “Far From the Madding Crowd”
  • Yves Bélanger, “Brooklyn”
  • Maryse Alberti, “Creed”
  • Sean Baker, Radium Cheung, “Tangerine”
  • John Seale, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Roger Deakins, “Sicario”
  • Edward Lachman, “Carol”
  • Vladimir Ilin, Yuri Klimenko, “Hard to Be a God”

Best Adapted Screenplay:

  • Tim Talbott, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
  • Drew Goddard, “The Martian”
  • Aaron Sorkin, “Steve Jobs”
  • Emma Donoghue, “Room”
  • Aleksei German, Svetlana Karmalita, “Hard to Be a God”
  • Nick Hornby, “Brooklyn”
  • Phyllis Nagy, “Carol”

Best Original Screenplay:

  • Paul Weitz, “Grandma”
  • Pete Docter, Ronnie Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, “Inside Out”
  • Alex Garland, “Ex Machina”
  • George Miller, Brendan McCarthy, Nico Lathouris, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Andrew Bujalski, “Results”
  • Sean Baker, Chris Bergoch, “Tangerine”
  • Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, “Creed”
  • Noah Baumbach, “Mistress America”
  • Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer, “Spotlight”

Best Supporting Actress:

  • Rebecca Ferguson, “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
  • Jessica Chastain, “Crimson Peak”
  • Julie Walters, “Brooklyn”
  • Kate Winslet, “Steve Jobs”
  • Marcia Gay Harden, “Grandma”
  • Tessa Thompson, “Creed”
  • Rachel McAdams, “Spotlight”
  • Joan Allen, “Room”
  • Phyllis Smith, “Inside Out”
  • Alicia Vikander, “Ex Machina”

Best Supporting Actor:

  • Ezra Miller, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
  • Benicio Del Toro, “Sicario”
  • Emory Cohen, “Brooklyn”
  • Kyle Chandler, “Carol”
  • Michael Sheen, “Far From the Madding Crowd”
  • Mark Rylance, “Bridge of Spies”
  • Kevin Corrigan, “Results”
  • Sam Elliott, “Grandma”
  • Michael Keaton, “Spotlight”
  • Mark Ruffalo, “Spotlight”
  • Oscar Isaac, “Ex Machina”
  • Sylvester Stallone, “Creed”

Best Actress:

  • Amy Poehler, “Inside Out”
  • Carey Mulligan, “Far From the Madding Crowd”
  • Lola Kirke, “Mistress America”
  • Cobie Smulders, “Results”
  • Carey Mulligan, “Suffragette”
  • Emily Blunt, “Sicario”
  • Mya Taylor, “Tangerine”
  • Lily Tomlin, “Grandma”
  • Charlize Theron, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Greta Gerwig, “Mistress America”
  • Brie Larson, “Room”
  • Saoirse Ronan, “Brooklyn”
  • Rooney Mara, “Carol”
  • Cate Blanchett, “Carol”

Best Actor:

  • Billy Crudup, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
  • John Boyega, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
  • Matt Damon, “The Martian”
  • Jacob Tremblay, “Room”
  • Michael Fassbender, “Steve Jobs”
  • Guy Pearce, “Results”
  • Michael B. Jordan, “Creed”
  • Leonid Yarmolnik, “Hard to Be a God”

Best Acting Ensemble:

  • Suffragette
  • The Martian
  • The Stanford Prison Experiment
  • Grandma
  • Steve Jobs
  • Mistress America
  • Brooklyn
  • Carol
  • Spotlight

Best Director:

  • Sean Baker, “Tangerine”
  • Ryan Coogler, “Creed”
  • John Crowley, “Brooklyn”
  • Lenny Abrahamson, “Room”
  • Noah Baumbach, “Mistress America”
  • George Miller, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
  • Tom McCarthy, “Spotlight”
  • Todd Haynes, “Carol”
  • Aleksei German, “Hard to Be a God”
  • Jafar Panahi, “Taxi”

Best Film:

  • Ex Machina
  • Inside Out
  • Tangerine
  • Creed
  • Brooklyn
  • Mistress America
  • Room
  • Mad Max: Fury Road
  • Spotlight
  • Carol
  • Hard to Be a God
  • Taxi

 

Most Overblown Title: “Avengers: Age of Ultron”

I mean I know “Avengers: Four Days and a Little Bit of Ultron” isn’t very catchy, but there’s got to be a middle ground somewhere we can agree on.

The Knucklepuck Award for Best Imitation of “D2: The Mighty Ducks”: “Pitch Perfect 2”

An accolade that far more movies should strive to achieve.

Most Unexpected Screed on Ethics in Documentary Filmmaking: “While We’re Young”

I think Adam Driver: Manipulative Documentarian is actually still a more frightening villain than Kylo Ren.

A Thing That Exists: “Lucky Stiff”

You can look it up on the IMDB and everything!

Biggest Boost to Sweden in the Most Attractive Accent Competition: “Ingrid Bergman: In Her Own Words”

I mean Bergman and Alicia Vikander might be enough, but can we count Isabella Rossellini towards this as well? Because then it’s just a no-brainer.

Best James Bond Movie: “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”

For god’s sake, Martin Campbell, where are you? When Tom Cruise is doing a better job at this than Sam Mendes the empire really has fallen.

The J.J. Abrams Award for Most Pointless Fan Service Plot Twist: Christoph Waltz revealed as Blofeld, “Spectre”

WE KNOWWWWWWWWW

Most Confusing Cultural Mashup of Adolescent Sexuality: “When Marnie Was There”

A Japanese anime based on a British novel…so…how much repression are we talking about here?

The Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Award for a Movie Starring Vin Diesel’s Face That Also Made Me Cry: “Furious 7”

Shut up I’m not crying you’re crying IT’S BEEN A LOOOOOOOOOOOONG DAYYYYYYYY

 

Sexiest Sheep Surgery: “Far From the Madding Crowd”

They should resurrect “ER” but set it at a veterinary hospital. Matthias Schoenaerts would be the next George Clooney in less than two episodes.

 

Most Difficult to Criticize Without Sounding Like an Awful Human Being: “Beasts of No Nation”

Look the use of child soldiers is awful and horrific and violence in West Africa is a blight on our collective humanity but…..usually my movies are better when they have a narrative? NO I KNOW I’M SORRY I’ll go sit in the corner now.

 

Science Science Science Science Science. Science? Science!
“The Martian”

I’m so excited to read the book so that I can get EVEN MORE SCIENCE ISN’T SCIENCE THE BEST

Best/Worst Audience Member: the woman in front of me who clapped and cheered every time anything vaguely inspirational happened in “Suffragette”

I was so very very torn between “fuck the patriarchy” empathy and movie snob etiquette.

Best Reason to Delete All Your Voice Memos from the Cloud, Right Now: “Listen to Me Marlon”

I know I shouldn’t be encouraging this as an archivist but I also don’t need anyone from the future hearing my personal renditions of “1989” and turning it into a documentary.

Most Distracting Facial Hair: “The Stanford Prison Experiment”

640_spe_johnny_simmons_ifcfilms

LOOK AT IT!!!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!!

The Connie Britton in Season 1 of “American Horror Story” Award for Stubborn Loyalty to a Miserable Piece of Real Estate: Mia Wasikowska in “Crimson Peak”

Oh my god JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE you can literally go stay in ANY OTHER HOUSE

Most Polite Werewolves: “What We Do in the Shadows”

They would never dare imprint on to your newborn baby daughter, I’m sure.

Best Jimmy Stewart Impression: Tom Hanks in “Bridge of Spies”

“Merry Christmas you wonderful old Eastern Bloc!”

Worst At His Job:  Kylo Ren, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

A close runner-up to Luke Skywalker, who decided to be alone and sulk but still found the time to LEAVE A MAP. Geez, Luke, that’s like when a mopey eight-year-old runs away from home and wobbles back through the door two hours later because he forgot to pack some snacks.

Wildest Tonal Swings Between Witty Entertainment, Complex Character Study, Tone-Deaf Hero Worship and Outright Misogyny: “Steve Jobs”

In other words, an Aaron Sorkin joint.

Delightfulest: “Shaun the Sheep Movie”

Shaun-The-Sheep-Movie

I mean just look at this picture. What more do you want in your life?

Best Reminder That Lily Tomlin Deserves to Be Put on Mount Rushmore: “Grandma”

We could just take off Thomas Jefferson. They’re basically the same person, right?

Proudest of Itself For Suggesting That the War on Drugs Might Be a Morally Complex Situation, You Guys: “Sicario”

I spent the afternoon in Tijuana once and it was just sooooo enlightening you guys I kept asking for drugs and they ACTUALLY GAVE ME DRUGS BECAUSE I PAID FOR THEM let’s write a movie about that

Largest Pile of Collective Neuroses: “Results”

Did I mention this debuted at Sundance?

Best Argument That Yeah, Steve Jobs Probably Always Wanted to Fuck an iPod: “Ex Machina”

I’m just saying he had a thing for curves you know.

The Rocky Balboa Award for a Franchise That Managed to Win an Improbable Moral Victory By Simply Outlasting the Competition Until It Looked Great By Comparison: “Creed”

How is it that I still care about Rocky movies? What sorcery is this?

Too On Point: “Inside Out”

I did one of those stupid online quizzes about what “Inside Out” character is in charge of your brain and I got Fear and I can’t even really argue with that so I’m going to just prove the point and lie in bed and fret for the rest of the day.

Best New Christmas Movie to Break Up Those Awkward Family Visits With Your Conservative Cousins: “Tangerine”

Merry Christmas Eve, bitch!

Most Meta Movie to Watch in Brooklyn: “Brooklyn”

I would absolutely take a job as a shopgirl and live with Julie Walters if it meant getting a bedroom in Brooklyn Heights.

Most I Laughed At a Movie to Stave Off the Haunting Recognition of the Farce That Is My Life in New York: “Mistress America”

The other day I had to sit next to a guy with a foul-mouthed ventriloquist dummy on the subway and all I could think was WWGGD (What Would Greta Gerwig Do)?

Most Akin to Injecting Meth Into Your Eyeballs (I’m Guessing): “Mad Max: Fury Road”

AUGH WHY DOES IT BURN THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA

Most Tolerable Attempts at Boston Accents: “Spotlight”

This stands in stark contrast to the “Black Mass” trailer, which is a wicked, gawdawful mess.

Gonna Stay Away From the Jokes With This One: “Room”

Soooooo….how’s everybody’s day going…..

Most Superfluous Men in a Year of Superfluous Men: “Carol”

On the other hand, cutting out the male characters would have denied us the great joy of Cate Blanchett saying “Harge” multiple times.

Nobel Physiology and Medicine Prize for Documentation of Heretofore Unknown Bodily Fluids: “Hard to Be a God”

I think a liquid that is equal parts piss, shit, vomit, snot, spit and bile should be called “splorge.” Like, “hey, you’ve got some splorge on you.” Any other suggestions?

Moviest Movie About Moviemakers Making Movies: “Taxi”

I kind of like movies.

The 8th Annual EMOs

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34 films. 17 different theaters, from New York to Bucksport, Maine, and Culpeper, Virginia. 3976 minutes (that’s over 67 hours). And way, way too much $$$$.

That, in a nutshell, was my year in film, 2014. But this is more than a nutshell. This is Ethan’s Makeshift Oscars. So let’s get into it. As always, to get nominated for an EMO, a film must have been released in 2014 and I had to see it in 2014. No limits on the number of nominations per category, though I try to keep it to 10; in the competitive categories, nominees are listed in ranked order from the cut-off line to the winner. And of course, be sure to stay tuned for the second half of the EMOs, where every film is a winner in its own way.

Check back in a while for a more detailed (and, once I’ve caught up with a few more late-year limited releases, accurate) top 10 of the year. Enjoy!

Best Action Film:

  • X-Men: Days of Future Past
  • Guardians of the Galaxy
  • Edge of Tomorrow
  • Captain America: The Winter Soldier
  • Godzilla

Funniest Film:

  • Chef
  • Guardians of the Galaxy
  • Land Ho!
  • Obvious Child
  • Frank
  • Dear White People
  • Inherent Vice
  • Birdman
  • The LEGO Movie

Most Fucked-Up Protagonist:

  • Curtis, “Snowpiercer”
  • Andrew Neyman, “Whiplash”
  • Riggan Thomson, “Birdman”
  • Eric Lomax, “The Railway Man”
  • Mark Schultz, “Foxcatcher”
  • Amelia, “The Babadook”
  • Amy and Nick Dunne, “Gone Girl”
  • Lou Bloom, “Nightcrawler”

Most Deserving to Have Everyone Involved in Production Die a Horribly Painful Death Just For Making Me Watch the Trailer:

  • Tammy
  • A Long Way Down
  • Left Behind
  • The Other Woman
  • The Legend of Hercules
  • I, Frankenstein

Worst Science:

  • Interstellar
  • Guardians of the Galaxy
  • Godzilla
  • Transcendence

Rising Above It Award (for acting performance significantly above the overall quality of the film it’s in):

  • Brendan Gleeson, “The Grand Seduction”
  • James McAvoy, “X-Men: Days of Future Past”
  • Jeremy Irvine, “The Railway Man”
  • Emily Blunt, “Edge of Tomorrow”

Scene-Stealer Award:

  • Emily Watson, “The Theory of Everything”
  • Ed Harris, “Snowpiercer”
  • Robert Downey, Jr., “Chef”
  • Domhnall Gleeson, “Calvary”
  • Toby Jones, “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”

Breakthrough Actor/Actress of the Year:

  • Evan Peters, “X-Men: Days of Future Past”
  • Chris Pratt, “The LEGO Movie” and “Guardians of the Galaxy”
  • Dave Bautista, “Guardians of the Galaxy”
  • Jenny Slate, “Obvious Child”
  • Carrie Coon, “Gone Girl”
  • the collective cast of “Dear White People”

Best Poster:

  • Under the Skin

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  • Whiplash

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  • Inherent Vice

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  • The Hunger Games: Mockingjay – Part 1

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  • Foxcatcher

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  • Nightcrawler

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  • Rosewater

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  • Men, Women and Children

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  • A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night

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  • Birdman

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Best Trailer:

  • Mommy
  • Godzilla
  • Boyhood
  • Knight of Cups
  • Gone Girl
  • Force Majeure
  • Selma
  • Nightcrawler
  • Birdman
  • Inherent Vice

Best Scene:

  • Eating a piece of cake, “Under the Skin”
  • Skydiving into San Francisco, “Godzilla”
  • Business over dinner, “Nightcrawler”
  • Brothers warming up, “Foxcatcher”
  • Docking, “Interstellar”
  • On the beach, “Calvary”
  • A syndicate of dentists, “Inherent Vice”
  • Despair, “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”
  • “Not quite my tempo”, “Whiplash”

Best Use of An Existing Song:

  • “The Obvious Child,” Paul Simon, “Obvious Child”
  • “In a Big Country,” Big Country, “Land Ho!”
  • “Come and Get Your Love,” Redbone, “Guardians of the Galaxy”
  • “Hero,” Family of the Year, “Boyhood”
  • “Vitamin C,” Can, “Inherent Vice”

Best Original Song:

  • “Where No One Goes,” by Jónsi, “How to Train Your Dragon 2”
  • “For the Dancing and the Dreaming,” by Jónsi and John Powell, “How to Train Your Dragon 2”
  • “Song of the Heavenly Maiden,” by Joe Hisaishi, “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”
  • “I Love You All,” by the Soronprfbs, “Frank”
  • “Everything is AWESOME!!!” by Tegan and Sara with The Lonely Island, “The LEGO Movie”

Best Original Score:

  • Alexandre Desplat, “Godzilla”
  • Herbert Grönemeyer, “A Most Wanted Man”
  • James Newton Howard, “Nightcrawler”
  • Trent Reznor, Atticus Ross, “Gone Girl”
  • Jóhann Jóhannson, “The Theory of Everything”
  • Hans Zimmer, “Interstellar”
  • Alexandre Desplat, “The Grand Budapest Hotel”
  • Antonio Sanchez, “Birdman”
  • Jonny Greenwood, “Inherent Vice”
  • Mica Levi, “Under the Skin”
  • Joe Hisaishi, “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”

Prettiest Pictures:

  • Benoît Delhomme, “A Most Wanted Man”
  • Hoyte van Hoytema, “Interstellar”
  • Benoît Delhomme, “The Theory of Everything”
  • Jeff Cronenweth, “Gone Girl”
  • Larry Smith, “Calvary”
  • Robert Elswit, “Inherent Vice”
  • Robert Elswit, “Nightcrawler”
  • Lukasz Zal, Ryszard Lenczewski, “Ida”
  • Emmanuel Lubezki, “Birdman”
  • Daniel Landin, “Under the Skin”

Best Adapted Screenplay:

  • Andrew Bovell, “A Most Wanted Man”
  • Gillian Flynn, “Gone Girl”
  • Jon Ronson, Peter Straughan, “Frank”
  • Gillian Robespierre, “Obvious Child”
  • Isao Takahata, Riko Sakaguchi, “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”
  • Paul Thomas Anderson, “Inherent Vice”

Best Original Screenplay:

  • Chris Miller, Phil Lord, “The LEGO Movie”
  • Jennifer Kent, “The Babadook”
  • Justin Simien, “Dear White People”
  • E. Max Frye, Dan Futterman, “Foxcatcher”
  • Richard Linklater, “Boyhood”
  • Damien Chazelle, “Whiplash”
  • Pawel Pawlikowski, Rebecca Lenkiewicz, “Ida”
  • Alejandro G. Iñárritu, Nicolas Giacobone, Armando Bo, Alexander Dinelaris, “Birdman”
  • John Michael McDonagh, “Calvary”

Best Supporting Actress:

  • Robin Wright, “A Most Wanted Man”
  • Andrea Riseborough, “Birdman”
  • Maggie Gyllenhaal, “Frank”
  • Carrie Coon, “Gone Girl”
  • Joanna Newsom, “Inherent Vice”
  • Rene Russo, “Nightcrawler”
  • Kelly Reilly, “Calvary”
  • Patricia Arquette, “Boyhood”
  • Emma Stone, “Birdman”
  • Tilda Swinton, “Snowpiercer”

Best Supporting Actor:

  • Will Arnett, “The LEGO Movie”
  • Tyler Perry, “Gone Girl”
  • Dave Bautista, “Guardians of the Galaxy”
  • Josh Brolin, “Inherent Vice”
  • Riz Ahmed, “Nightcrawler”
  • Ethan Hawke, “Boyhood”
  • Chris O’Dowd, “Calvary”
  • Edward Norton, “Birdman”
  • J.K. Simmons, “Whiplash”
  • Mark Ruffalo, “Foxcatcher”

Best Actress:

  • Aki Asakura, “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”
  • Tessa Thompson, “Dear White People”
  • Jenny Slate, “Obvious Child”
  • Felicity Jones, “The Theory of Everything”
  • Agata Trzebuchowska, “Ida”
  • Agata Kulesza, “Ida”
  • Essie Davis, “The Babadook”
  • Scarlett Johannson, “Under the Skin”

Best Actor:

  • Domhnall Gleeson, “Frank”
  • Tyler James Williams, “Dear White People”
  • Earl Lynn Nelson, “Land Ho!”
  • Paul Eenhorn, “Land Ho!”
  • Michael Fassbender, “Frank”
  • Channing Tatum, “Foxcatcher”
  • Miles Teller, “Whiplash”
  • Eddie Redmayne, “The Theory of Everything”
  • Steve Carell, “Foxcatcher”
  • Philip Seymour Hoffman, “A Most Wanted Man”
  • Michael Keaton, “Birdman”
  • Jake Gyllenhaal, “Nightcrawler”
  • Joaquin Phoenix, “Inherent Vice”
  • Brendan Gleeson, “Calvary”

Best Acting Ensemble:

  • Frank
  • The LEGO Movie
  • Snowpiercer
  • Dear White People
  • Boyhood
  • Calvary
  • Inherent Vice
  • Birdman

Best Director:

  • Jennifer Kent, “The Babadook”
  • Bennett Miller, “Foxcatcher”
  • Damien Chazelle, “Whiplash”
  • Paul Thomas Anderson, “Inherent Vice”
  • John Michael McDonagh, “Calvary”
  • Pawel Pawlikowski, “Ida”
  • Jonathan Glazer, “Under the Skin”
  • Isao Takahata, “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”
  • Alejandro G. Iñárritu, “Birdman”
  • Richard Linklater, “Boyhood”

Best Film:

  • Frank
  • Nightcrawler
  • Dear White People
  • Foxcatcher
  • Whiplash
  • Boyhood
  • Inherent Vice
  • Ida
  • Under the Skin
  • The Tale of Princess Kaguya
  • Birdman
  • Calvary

Best “Drunk History” Impression: “The Legend of Hercules”

I mean I guess I might get Hercules, the Bible and “300” confused after ten shots of tequila too.

Most Ineffectual World-Conquering AI

also

Least Sexy PG-13 Robot/Human Sexytimes

Biggest Waste of Morgan Freeman’s Talent…the Week of April 18

Most Tech-Savvy Neo-Luddite Terrorist Group

Least Invested Johnny Depp

and

Most Misguidedly Aspirational Title: “Transcendence”

I just couldn’t stop.

Most Plot Twists Telegraphed Through Casting: “Non-Stop”

Liam Neeson is stuck on a plane with a murderer who could be ANYONE…of the five name actors involved with this film. And gee, I wonder if Julianne Moore is going to be important maybe.

Most Fraught Ethical Issues Raised and Then Immediately Dismissed By a Feel-Good Comedy: “The Grand Seduction”

I mean I guess we’re all OK with blackmailing a doctor in order to bring an environmental-unfriendly petrochemical factory to a tiny picturesque island with a population that couldn’t possibly sustain responsible business models…because…Brendan Gleeson said so?

Most Inexplicable Absence of a Piece of Pop Culture Inside Another Piece of Pop Culture:  “Groundhog Day” and “Edge of Tomorrow”

Time-manipulating alien invaders, exoskeleton-equipped super-soldiers, Tom Cruise/Emily Blunt romance; I’ll buy it all, but fuck off if you ask me to believe the future forgets about Bill Murray.

The Closest Thing We’ll Ever Get to Colin Firth in “Taken”: “The Railway Man”

I’m just saying, Hollywood is leaving a considerable amount of money on the table here.

Most Depressing Captain America Movie: “Snowpiercer”

Maybe that whole time when he was trapped under the ice Steve Rogers was eating babies to survive.

Best Archival Villain: Nazi videotape, “Captain America: The Winter Soldier”

I don’t think my NYU graduate education in moving image preservation has properly prepared me for the eventuality of discovering Toby Jones’ consciousness downloaded onto 1000 quad machines. I want my money back.

Most Concerned I’ve Ever Been That an Actor’s Veins Might Literally Explode on Screen: Hugh Jackman, “X-Men: Days of Future Past”

Can someone please tell Mr. Jackman that he can stop being so polite and everyone will be OK if he stops taking steroids now please?

Biggest Genetic Gamble: the child of Sofia Vergara and Jon Favreau, “Chef”

May the odds be ever in your favor, kid.

Most Blatant and Ill-Conceived Attempt to Be Disney But Not Disney: “How To Train Your Dragon 2”

“Everyone knows that the mom always dies in Disney movies…so…what can we do differently….”

Most Actors Acting in Completely Different Movies: “Gone Girl”

I’m not even entirely convinced Tyler Perry knew he was in a movie at all, or if they just filmed him laughing at David Fincher.

Most Han Solos: “Guardians of the Galaxy”

Everyone loves s cocky space pirate. Or fifteen.

Most Anatomical Questions Raised: “The Theory of Everything”

Look, Stephen, I know you’re British and don’t discuss these things. But a throwaway joke is not enough detail here. Forget the black hole stuff. I need charts.

Dumbest Film-Related Complaint of the Year: not enough Godzilla in “Godzilla”

^ Honestly, I don’t know what fucking “more Godzilla” you need.

Cheekiest Punctuation: “Land Ho!”

This could’ve gone to “I, Frankenstein,” but the one thing I would like to reward about THAT film is that they got their grammar right.

Most Likely To Drive You Insane Trying to Figure Out Who’s Voicing That Robot: “Interstellar”

For the record, I love Bill Irwin – he’s freaking phenomenal in “Rachel Getting Married” and does a great job with TARS. But goddamn if he doesn’t sound like every single other famous male actor in Hollywood. Ever. Seriously, I considered that he was the recycled voice of Marlon Brando for a little while.

Most Fucking Instances of Fucking Ralph Fiennes Saying “Fuck” A Fucking Lot: “The Grand Budapest Hotel

Clearly this is so stunning that we must give Wes Anderson all the screenplay awards.

Best Evidence That Everything About the Abortion Sequence in “Juno” Can Go Fuck Itself: “Obvious Child”

To be clear, “Juno” is still a solid-to-good movie overall. But just everything about those scenes. Every. Thing.

Best Cinematic Birth Control Since “Eraserhead”: “The Babadook”

Nope nope nope no children nope nope never nope.

Greatest Disparity Between the Quality of a Movie and the Quality It Has Any Business Being: “The LEGO Movie”

I don’t remember the last time an hour-and-a-half long toy commercial made me cry. Don Draper would be so proud.

Saddest. : “A Most Wanted Man”

RIP, Philip Seymour Hoffman.

The Chiara Mastroianni Award: “Nightcrawler”

So this one requires a bit of explanation. Maybe you know Chiara Mastroianni, European actress and model:

A perfectly attractive and striking woman; but, and with no insult meant here, just not the stunning ethereal being that you would expect from the union of Marcello Mastroianni and Catherine Deneuve, two of the most beautiful humans ever to walk this planet:

                          

So how is this relevant to “Nightcrawler?” Well, imagine Marcello Mastroianni is “Taxi Driver” and Catherine Deneuve is “Network.” Now combine the two, if you get my drift. Stunning on paper, very good in practice – and yet…

God Damn It He Sings Too: Michael Fassbender, “Frank”

Life just isn’t fair.

Yo, Is This Racist? : “Dear White People”

Nope!

Most Fascinating Beard/Hair Combo Ever Known to Man: Dave Schultz/Mark Ruffalo, “Foxcatcher”

I just can’t….stop….staring at it….

Bloodiest Depiction of Music Since the Lost Director’s Cut of “Mr. Holland’s Opus”: “Whiplash”

I never even considered it before, but I feel really bad for the janitors at Juilliard now.

Best Candidates for the Next-Next Season of “True Detective”: Joaquin Phoenix and Josh Brolin, “Inherent Vice”

With Doc Sportello in the mix we could easily fill Matthew McConaughey’s stoned rants.

Best CGI: “Boyhood”

It’s really amazing what they can do with computers today, man.

Most Ridiculously Art-House Movie of the Year: “Ida”

I mean, it’s a Polish film about a nun discovering the emotionally devastating truth of her family’s death in the Holocaust, filmed in black-and-white Academy ratio. Are we sure this is an actual movie that exists or just a super dedicated Funny or Die sketch?

Highest Combined Total of Physical, Emotional and Social Distress: “Under the Skin”

Ugggggghhhhhhh I’m so uncomfortable but I kind of like it? It’s really weird to be a film snob sometimes.

Most Unexpected Anti-Buddhist Propaganda: “The Tale of Princess Kaguya”

FUCK YOU, MOON BUDDHA.

Most Likely to Confuse Insecure Film Critics: “Birdman, or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)”

“But…but…they make fun of critics…….must…activate…humorless douchebag mode….”

Most Terrifying Evidence That Littlefinger from “Game of Thrones” Is Attempting to Cross Into Our World Through the Vessel of Aidan Gillen: “Calvary”

It would appeeeeeaaaaarrrr soooooooo…