It’s time for Ethan’s Makeshift Oscars – the ninth (ninth!) annual edition. The rules are the same as always: to qualify for nomination, a film had to be both released and seen (by me) in 2015. This year, 36 movies met those conditions, so there’s a lot to get through – let’s get right to it!
Best Action Film:
- Spectre
- Furious 7
- Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
- Sicario
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
- Mad Max: Fury Road
Funniest Film:
- Inside Out
- Grandma
- Tangerine
- Results
- Shaun the Sheep Movie
- What We Do in the Shadows
- Mistress America
Most Fucked-Up Protagonist:
- Trevor and Kat, “Results”
- Max, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
- Marlon Brando, “Listen to Me Marlon”
- Caleb, “Ex Machina”
- Steve Jobs, “Steve Jobs”
Most Unethical Science:
- The Martian
- The Stanford Prison Experiment
- Ex Machina
Most Appealing Depiction of 1950s-era New York:
- Bridge of Spies
- Carol
- Brooklyn
Best Entry in a Franchise Originating From the 1970s or Earlier:
- Spectre
- Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
- Creed
- Mad Max: Fury Road
Best Sixth Sequel:
- Furious 7
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
- Creed
Most Deserving to Have Everyone Involved in Production Die a Horribly Painful Death Just for Making Me Watch the Trailer:
- No Escape
- Hitman: Agent 47
- Hot Pursuit
- Entourage
- Mortdecai
Scene-Stealer Award:
- Julie Delpy, “Avengers: Age of Ultron”
- Snoop Dogg, “Pitch Perfect 2”
- Meryl Streep, “Suffragette”
- Paula Poundstone and Bobby Moynihan, “Inside Out”
Breakthrough Actor/Actress of the Year:
- Kitana Kiki Rodriguez, “Tangerine”
- Michael Angarano, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
- Rebecca Ferguson, “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
- Daisy Ridley, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
- Julia Garner, “Grandma”
- Emory Cohen, “Brooklyn”
- Mya Taylor, “Tangerine”
- Lola Kirke, “Mistress America”
Best Poster:
- Red Army
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- Ant-Man
- The Hateful Eight
- Brooklyn
- The End of the Tour
- Sicario
- It Follows
- Carol
- Tangerine
Best Trailer:
- Macbeth
- Chi-Raq
- Spectre
- Creed
- Steve Jobs
- Straight Outta Compton
- Spotlight
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens
- The Revenant
- Hail, Caesar!
Best Scene:
- counting potatoes, “The Martian”
- the Berlin Wall goes up, “Bridge of Spies”
- opera operation, “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
- Mexico City, “Spectre”
- infrared raid, “Sicario”
- “We’re not ugly people,” “Carol”
- dancing, “Ex Machina”
- one-shot fight, “Creed”
Best Use of an Existing Song:
- “Uprising,” Muse, from “Pitch Perfect 2”
- “Shaun the Sheep Theme,” from “Shaun the Sheep Movie”
- “We Belong,” Pat Benatar, from “Pitch Perfect 2”
- “This Will Destroy You,” The Mighty Rio Grande, from “Room”
- “Casadh an Tsúgáin (Frankie’s Song)”, from “Brooklyn”
- “Get Down Saturday Night,” Oliver Cheatham, from “Ex Machina”
Best Original Song:
- “Lucky Stiff,” performed by Eric Idle, from “Lucky Stiff”
- “Fine on the Outside,” performed by Priscilla Ahn, from “When Marnie Was There”
- “Feels Like Summer,” performed by Tim Wheeler, from “Shaun the Sheep Movie”
- “See You Again,” performed by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth, from “Furious 7”
Best Original Score:
- Fernando Velázquez, “Crimson Peak”
- Thomas Newman, “Spectre”
- Geoff Barrow, Ben Salisbury, “Ex Machina”
- John Williams, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
- Howard Shore, “Spotlight”
- Dan Romer, “Beasts of No Nation”
- Junkie XL (Tom Holkenberg), “Mad Max: Fury Road”
- Carter Burwell, “Carol”
- Jóhann Jóhannson, “Sicario”
- Michael Brook, “Brooklyn”
Prettiest Pictures:
- Hoyte van Hoytema, “Spectre”
- Danny Cohen, “Room”
- Alwin Kuchler, “Steve Jobs”
- Cary Fukunaga, “Beasts of No Nation”
- Charlotte Bruus Christensen, “Far From the Madding Crowd”
- Yves Bélanger, “Brooklyn”
- Maryse Alberti, “Creed”
- Sean Baker, Radium Cheung, “Tangerine”
- John Seale, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
- Roger Deakins, “Sicario”
- Edward Lachman, “Carol”
- Vladimir Ilin, Yuri Klimenko, “Hard to Be a God”
Best Adapted Screenplay:
- Tim Talbott, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
- Drew Goddard, “The Martian”
- Aaron Sorkin, “Steve Jobs”
- Emma Donoghue, “Room”
- Aleksei German, Svetlana Karmalita, “Hard to Be a God”
- Nick Hornby, “Brooklyn”
- Phyllis Nagy, “Carol”
Best Original Screenplay:
- Paul Weitz, “Grandma”
- Pete Docter, Ronnie Del Carmen, Meg LeFauve, Josh Cooley, “Inside Out”
- Alex Garland, “Ex Machina”
- George Miller, Brendan McCarthy, Nico Lathouris, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
- Andrew Bujalski, “Results”
- Sean Baker, Chris Bergoch, “Tangerine”
- Ryan Coogler, Aaron Covington, “Creed”
- Noah Baumbach, “Mistress America”
- Tom McCarthy, Josh Singer, “Spotlight”
Best Supporting Actress:
- Rebecca Ferguson, “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
- Jessica Chastain, “Crimson Peak”
- Julie Walters, “Brooklyn”
- Kate Winslet, “Steve Jobs”
- Marcia Gay Harden, “Grandma”
- Tessa Thompson, “Creed”
- Rachel McAdams, “Spotlight”
- Joan Allen, “Room”
- Phyllis Smith, “Inside Out”
- Alicia Vikander, “Ex Machina”
Best Supporting Actor:
- Ezra Miller, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
- Benicio Del Toro, “Sicario”
- Emory Cohen, “Brooklyn”
- Kyle Chandler, “Carol”
- Michael Sheen, “Far From the Madding Crowd”
- Mark Rylance, “Bridge of Spies”
- Kevin Corrigan, “Results”
- Sam Elliott, “Grandma”
- Michael Keaton, “Spotlight”
- Mark Ruffalo, “Spotlight”
- Oscar Isaac, “Ex Machina”
- Sylvester Stallone, “Creed”
Best Actress:
- Amy Poehler, “Inside Out”
- Carey Mulligan, “Far From the Madding Crowd”
- Lola Kirke, “Mistress America”
- Cobie Smulders, “Results”
- Carey Mulligan, “Suffragette”
- Emily Blunt, “Sicario”
- Mya Taylor, “Tangerine”
- Lily Tomlin, “Grandma”
- Charlize Theron, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
- Greta Gerwig, “Mistress America”
- Brie Larson, “Room”
- Saoirse Ronan, “Brooklyn”
- Rooney Mara, “Carol”
- Cate Blanchett, “Carol”
Best Actor:
- Billy Crudup, “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
- John Boyega, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
- Matt Damon, “The Martian”
- Jacob Tremblay, “Room”
- Michael Fassbender, “Steve Jobs”
- Guy Pearce, “Results”
- Michael B. Jordan, “Creed”
- Leonid Yarmolnik, “Hard to Be a God”
Best Acting Ensemble:
- Suffragette
- The Martian
- The Stanford Prison Experiment
- Grandma
- Steve Jobs
- Mistress America
- Brooklyn
- Carol
- Spotlight
Best Director:
- Sean Baker, “Tangerine”
- Ryan Coogler, “Creed”
- John Crowley, “Brooklyn”
- Lenny Abrahamson, “Room”
- Noah Baumbach, “Mistress America”
- George Miller, “Mad Max: Fury Road”
- Tom McCarthy, “Spotlight”
- Todd Haynes, “Carol”
- Aleksei German, “Hard to Be a God”
- Jafar Panahi, “Taxi”
Best Film:
- Ex Machina
- Inside Out
- Tangerine
- Creed
- Brooklyn
- Mistress America
- Room
- Mad Max: Fury Road
- Spotlight
- Carol
- Hard to Be a God
- Taxi
Most Overblown Title: “Avengers: Age of Ultron”
I mean I know “Avengers: Four Days and a Little Bit of Ultron” isn’t very catchy, but there’s got to be a middle ground somewhere we can agree on.
The Knucklepuck Award for Best Imitation of “D2: The Mighty Ducks”: “Pitch Perfect 2”
An accolade that far more movies should strive to achieve.
Most Unexpected Screed on Ethics in Documentary Filmmaking: “While We’re Young”
I think Adam Driver: Manipulative Documentarian is actually still a more frightening villain than Kylo Ren.
A Thing That Exists: “Lucky Stiff”
You can look it up on the IMDB and everything!
Biggest Boost to Sweden in the Most Attractive Accent Competition: “Ingrid Bergman: In Her Own Words”
I mean Bergman and Alicia Vikander might be enough, but can we count Isabella Rossellini towards this as well? Because then it’s just a no-brainer.
Best James Bond Movie: “Mission: Impossible – Rogue Nation”
For god’s sake, Martin Campbell, where are you? When Tom Cruise is doing a better job at this than Sam Mendes the empire really has fallen.
The J.J. Abrams Award for Most Pointless Fan Service Plot Twist: Christoph Waltz revealed as Blofeld, “Spectre”
WE KNOWWWWWWWWW
Most Confusing Cultural Mashup of Adolescent Sexuality: “When Marnie Was There”
A Japanese anime based on a British novel…so…how much repression are we talking about here?
The Ripley’s Believe It Or Not Award for a Movie Starring Vin Diesel’s Face That Also Made Me Cry: “Furious 7”
Shut up I’m not crying you’re crying IT’S BEEN A LOOOOOOOOOOOONG DAYYYYYYYY
Sexiest Sheep Surgery: “Far From the Madding Crowd”
They should resurrect “ER” but set it at a veterinary hospital. Matthias Schoenaerts would be the next George Clooney in less than two episodes.
Most Difficult to Criticize Without Sounding Like an Awful Human Being: “Beasts of No Nation”
Look the use of child soldiers is awful and horrific and violence in West Africa is a blight on our collective humanity but…..usually my movies are better when they have a narrative? NO I KNOW I’M SORRY I’ll go sit in the corner now.
Science Science Science Science Science. Science? Science!
“The Martian”
I’m so excited to read the book so that I can get EVEN MORE SCIENCE ISN’T SCIENCE THE BEST
Best/Worst Audience Member: the woman in front of me who clapped and cheered every time anything vaguely inspirational happened in “Suffragette”
I was so very very torn between “fuck the patriarchy” empathy and movie snob etiquette.
Best Reason to Delete All Your Voice Memos from the Cloud, Right Now: “Listen to Me Marlon”
I know I shouldn’t be encouraging this as an archivist but I also don’t need anyone from the future hearing my personal renditions of “1989” and turning it into a documentary.
Most Distracting Facial Hair: “The Stanford Prison Experiment”
LOOK AT IT!!!!!! LOOK AT IT!!!!!!
The Connie Britton in Season 1 of “American Horror Story” Award for Stubborn Loyalty to a Miserable Piece of Real Estate: Mia Wasikowska in “Crimson Peak”
Oh my god JUST LEAVE THE HOUSE you can literally go stay in ANY OTHER HOUSE
Most Polite Werewolves: “What We Do in the Shadows”
They would never dare imprint on to your newborn baby daughter, I’m sure.
Best Jimmy Stewart Impression: Tom Hanks in “Bridge of Spies”
“Merry Christmas you wonderful old Eastern Bloc!”
Worst At His Job: Kylo Ren, “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”
A close runner-up to Luke Skywalker, who decided to be alone and sulk but still found the time to LEAVE A MAP. Geez, Luke, that’s like when a mopey eight-year-old runs away from home and wobbles back through the door two hours later because he forgot to pack some snacks.
Wildest Tonal Swings Between Witty Entertainment, Complex Character Study, Tone-Deaf Hero Worship and Outright Misogyny: “Steve Jobs”
In other words, an Aaron Sorkin joint.
Delightfulest: “Shaun the Sheep Movie”
I mean just look at this picture. What more do you want in your life?
Best Reminder That Lily Tomlin Deserves to Be Put on Mount Rushmore: “Grandma”
We could just take off Thomas Jefferson. They’re basically the same person, right?
Proudest of Itself For Suggesting That the War on Drugs Might Be a Morally Complex Situation, You Guys: “Sicario”
I spent the afternoon in Tijuana once and it was just sooooo enlightening you guys I kept asking for drugs and they ACTUALLY GAVE ME DRUGS BECAUSE I PAID FOR THEM let’s write a movie about that
Largest Pile of Collective Neuroses: “Results”
Did I mention this debuted at Sundance?
Best Argument That Yeah, Steve Jobs Probably Always Wanted to Fuck an iPod: “Ex Machina”
I’m just saying he had a thing for curves you know.
The Rocky Balboa Award for a Franchise That Managed to Win an Improbable Moral Victory By Simply Outlasting the Competition Until It Looked Great By Comparison: “Creed”
How is it that I still care about Rocky movies? What sorcery is this?
Too On Point: “Inside Out”
I did one of those stupid online quizzes about what “Inside Out” character is in charge of your brain and I got Fear and I can’t even really argue with that so I’m going to just prove the point and lie in bed and fret for the rest of the day.
Best New Christmas Movie to Break Up Those Awkward Family Visits With Your Conservative Cousins: “Tangerine”
Merry Christmas Eve, bitch!
Most Meta Movie to Watch in Brooklyn: “Brooklyn”
I would absolutely take a job as a shopgirl and live with Julie Walters if it meant getting a bedroom in Brooklyn Heights.
Most I Laughed At a Movie to Stave Off the Haunting Recognition of the Farce That Is My Life in New York: “Mistress America”
The other day I had to sit next to a guy with a foul-mouthed ventriloquist dummy on the subway and all I could think was WWGGD (What Would Greta Gerwig Do)?
Most Akin to Injecting Meth Into Your Eyeballs (I’m Guessing): “Mad Max: Fury Road”
AUGH WHY DOES IT BURN THIS WAS THE WORST IDEA
Most Tolerable Attempts at Boston Accents: “Spotlight”
This stands in stark contrast to the “Black Mass” trailer, which is a wicked, gawdawful mess.
Gonna Stay Away From the Jokes With This One: “Room”
Soooooo….how’s everybody’s day going…..
Most Superfluous Men in a Year of Superfluous Men: “Carol”
On the other hand, cutting out the male characters would have denied us the great joy of Cate Blanchett saying “Harge” multiple times.
Nobel Physiology and Medicine Prize for Documentation of Heretofore Unknown Bodily Fluids: “Hard to Be a God”
I think a liquid that is equal parts piss, shit, vomit, snot, spit and bile should be called “splorge.” Like, “hey, you’ve got some splorge on you.” Any other suggestions?
Moviest Movie About Moviemakers Making Movies: “Taxi”
I kind of like movies.
The Best Films of Our Lives 