Thanks to everyone involved for yet another highly successful EMO Award ceremony. It really is the highlight of my year to stand around and make a bunch of jokes that only a handful of people understand. I really watch way too many movies.
Anyway, yesterday I posted the nominations for Part 1 of the EMOs; now I’m providing you with the winners, along with Part 2, where every film I watched from 2011 gets its own unique award. And as promised, running commentary will be provided by my old partner from Gates and Putin at the Movies- yes, Putin the Platypus is back. As usual, Putin was unable to attend this year’s ceremony, although I did receive this telegram from him (via e-mail):
EMOs commentary enclosed stop.
Indisposed abroad stop.
Serfs getting restless stop.
Please send pepper spray, rubber bullets and riot gear stop.
Will settle for Dick Cheney full stop.
So I guess he’s a little busy these days. Let’s just cut to the chase, huh? Enjoy!
The 5th Annual EMO Awards – Winners
Best Action Film: “The Adventures of Tintin”
Putin sez: And now we know what happens when Steven Spielberg makes a movie on a sugar high.
Funniest Film: “Rango”
Putin sez: Did I just watch a cross-dressing lizard get pursued by a horde of inbred prairie dogs riding bats while playing “Ride of the Valkyries” on banjos? Yes, yes I did.
Best Hero: The Driver, from “Drive”
Putin sez: We decided to choose this one battle-royale style: the Driver and Lisbeth Salander quickly kicked in the teeth of every other nominee, with the Driver then narrowly earning victory via a staring contest.
Best Villain: Rattlesnake Jake, from “Rango”
Putin sez: Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Best Dog: Arthur, from “Beginners”
Putin sez: Whatever, talking animals are so passé, man.
Manic Pixie Dream Girl of the Year: Adriana (Marion Cotillard), from “Midnight in Paris”
Putin sez: Not only is this girl into a nebbish, wishy-washy writer of questionable talent, she is more into him than into Pablo Picasso, Ernest Hemingway, Luis Buñuel, Man Ray, F. Scott Fitzgerald or T.S. Eliot. But I’m not objecting – if Narion Blotillard can find Owen Wilson attractive, I’ve got to have a shot, right?
Most Fucked-Up Protagonist: Joyce McKinney, from “Tabloid”
Putin sez: To put this in perspective, this lady almost had me convinced that the Mormons were the sane ones. Almost.
Scene-Stealer Award: Adrien Brody, “Midnight in Paris”
Putin sez: I see – a platypus!
Best Scene: the Elevator Scene, from “Drive”
Putin sez: When you’re not sure whether to laugh, cheer, or sob hysterically in the corner, you’ve probably just watched a very good movie scene.
Rising Above It (for redeeming an otherwise bad/average film): Hamish Linklater, “The Future”
Putin sez: Let’s be honest, we picked him because his name is “Hamish.”
Most Deserving to Have Everyone Involved in Production Die a Horrible Painful Death Just for Making Me Watch the Trailer: “Jack and Jill”
Putin sez: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA *collapse*
Breakout Performer of the Year: Elizabeth Olsen, “Martha Marcy May Marlene”
Putin sez: Hey, does this mean that Mary-Kate is here? No? I’ll settle for Ashley. Still no? Fine. Hey Elizabeth – how you doin’?
Best Poster: “The Ides of March”
Putin sez: It’s simultaneously so creepy and yet so dashing…
Best Trailer: “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2”
Putin sez: Where the fuck did the music in that trailer come from, because it is NOT in the movie. Somewhere, Alexandre Desplat has an intern who is thinking, “Soon….soon it will be my turn…”
Prettiest Pictures: Emmanuel Lubezki, “The Tree of Life”
Putin sez: Totally would’ve been better in 3-D.
Best Use of a Licensed Song: “Immigrant Song,” by Led Zeppelin, covered by Karen O., Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Putin sez: It’s like the theme song for James Bond movie that makes you want to poop your pants in terror.
Best Original Song: “Life’s a Happy Song,” by Bret McKenzie, from “The Muppets”
Putin sez: *singing* “Life’s a happy song / when your platypus dick is really -” *muffled*
Best Original Score: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Putin sez: This totally isn’t because we messed up last year’s award. It isn’t a make-up win, I tell you. It’s not! We’re better than that!! “TRON: LEGACY” WAS REALLY SHINY, OK??!?!
Best Adapted Screenplay: Aaron Sorkin and Steven Zaillian, “Moneyball”
Putin sez: Did you even really need to open that envelope?
Best Original Screenplay: J.C. Chandor, “Margin Call”
Putin sez: I feel like if Wall Street executives actually spoke with this much wit and intelligence, we might not hate the 1% so much. Goldman Sachs should just hire Aaron Sorkin and J.C. Chandor to write their press releases. OCCUPY HOLLYWOOD!
Best Supporting Actress: Chloë Grace Moretz, “Hugo”
Putin sez: How old is this girl? 14? Yeah, we’d better move on before I say anything creepy.
Best Supporting Actor: Brad Pitt, “The Tree of Life”
Putin sez: Um, can someone check in on Angelina and the kids? Brad was almost a little too convincing as an abusive father…
Best Actress: Rooney Mara, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Putin sez: OH MY GOD PLEASE DON’T HURT ME I’M SORRY I SENT YOU THAT FRIEND REQUEST
Best Actor: Michael Shannon, “Take Shelter”
Putin sez: I sense a kindred spirit.
Best Acting Ensemble: “Margin Call”
Putin sez: I could learn a few things about amorality from these people.
Best Director: (tie) Terrence Malick, “The Tree of Life,” and Nicolas Winding Refn, “Drive”
Putin sez: The clash between Malick and Refn is like that between God and the Devil. On the one hand, Malick offers an outlet for spiritual contemplation, a meditation on the ultimate redemption of mankind. On the other, you’ve got Refn tempting us with pure, pulse-pounding sensual pleasure. How are we to choose a side in such a face-off?
Best Picture: “Drive”
Putin sez: SIN!!! LUST!!!! PLEASURE!!! MURDER!!!! SEX!!!! YES, I CHOOSE MY SIDE!! MWAHAHAHHA!!!!
I Have No Idea What Happened In This Movie: “London Boulevard”
Putin sez: I totally understood everything. It was SO awesome man. You all missed out.
Dapperest Headwear: “The Adjustment Bureau”
Putin sez: And you all wonder how I get around.
Most Likely to Want You to Chastise the Director Like You Would a Naughty Puppy: “The Future”
Putin sez: NO! Stop it! Stop crawling inside your own t-shirt! No. Stop it. Don’t talk to the moon! I said NO!! BAD director!! Bad!!
Least Zeitgeist-y Film of the Year: “The Descendants”
Putin sez: By the way, Alexander Payne, if you were trying to make Hawaii unappealing, you completely failed.
Most Unflattering Self-Portrayal: Steve Coogan, “The Trip”
Putin sez: I would like to contest this award. I think Ethan’s performance at the EMOs is far more deserving.
Least Subtle Jingoism: “Captain America: The First Avenger”
Putin sez: AMERICA, FUCK YEAH, HERE TO SAVE THE MOTHERFUCKING DAY
The Hollywood Excess Award for Answering a Question That Absolutely No One Was Asking: J.J. Abrams, director of “Super 8”
Putin sez: That question? “What happens if we cross E.T. with Cloverfield?” YOU GET A SHITTIER VERSION OF E.T., J.J.
The Seal is for Marksmanship…and the Gorilla is for Best Use of a Former “Arrested Development” Cast Member: Alia Shawkat as a prostitute in “Cedar Rapids”
Putin sez: And may I add, marry me?
Peter Jackson Award for Not Knowing When to End Your Movie: “Source Code”
Putin sez: Time travel is to Hollywood screenwriters what tequila is to a college student: always tempting, but it never turns out well.
Worst Aging Makeup Job, and Yes That Includes the Harry Potter Epilogue: Armie Hammer in “J. Edgar”
Putin sez: Why not just draw squiggly lines on his forehead with a magic marker? Good lord.
Best Performance By a Piece of Cloth with Some Dude’s Hand Shoved Up Its Ass: Kermit the Frog, “The Muppets”
Putin sez: We were going to give this to Amy Adams, then remembered that she is not, in fact, a Muppet.
Most Inexplicable Ignorance of Modern Technology and Post 9/11 International Travel: “Like Crazy”
Putin sez: Also, an inexplicable ignorance of the existence of chair cushions.
The “There Will Be Blood” Award for Telegraphing Major Plot Twists in the Title of the Movie: “The Ides of March”
Putin sez: Et tu, Clooné?
Worst Fake Business Model Ever: a cleaning service offering door-to-door free trials in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, from “Another Earth”
Putin sez: Good news! Only 15 more of our employees disappeared without a trace this month!
Ding, Dong, the Witch is Dead! : “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2”
Putin sez: I think the epilogue would’ve been greatly improved by a munchkin musical number.
The Young Jimmy Stewart Award for an Actor Who Looks and Acts More Like a Puppy Than an Actual Puppy: Ewan MacGregor, Beginners
Putin sez: What the hell is up with all the dog jokes this year?
Best Evidence That Scandinavia is Completely and Utterly Fucked Up, and Not in the Amusing Way That Russia Is: “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”
Putin sez: No, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you people??
Hardest-to-Remember Title: “Martha Marcy May Marlene”
Putin sez: On the plus side, not being able to remember her name in the morning won’t be a problem.
Most Likely to Make Humanities Majors Jizz In Their Pants (Nostalgia-Fest #1): “Midnight in Paris”
Putin sez: Something is wrong with you when you get more excited about meeting Gertrude Stein than being married to Rachel McAdams.
The Most Entertaining Piece of Depressing, Sociopathic Nihilism You’ll Ever See: “Melancholia”
Putin sez: I’m beginning to get the sense that Lars von Trier doesn’t like people.
The “Fantastic Mr. Fox” Award for Strangest Family Film of the Year (Nostalgia-Fest #2): “Rango”
Putin sez: Did we mention the part about inbred prairie dogs? Just checking.
The Stuff That Nightmares Are Made Of: “Take Shelter”
Putin sez: I just choose to embrace my schizophrenia. Malkovich Malkovich.
The Robert Altman M*A*S*H Memorial Award for Making an Entertaining Film Out of a Really Pretty Damn Depressing Subject: “50/50”
Putin sez: I don’t know what your problem is, cancer is hilarious. Particularly when you give it to reporters through tiny doses of radiation in their coffee. That always slays me.
Most Likely to Make People Come Up to Me and Say, “You Would Like That Movie” (Nostalgia-Fest #3): “Hugo”
Putin sez: You would, Ethan.
Best Attempt by Steven Spielberg to Rip Off the Legacy of Steven Spielberg (Nostalgia-Fest #4): “The Adventures of Tintin”
Putin sez: This almost makes up for “Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.” But not quite.
Most Disparate/Insulting Casting Decision: Billy Beane gets to be played by Brad Pitt, while Paul DePodesta (Peter Brand) is reduced to fat Jonah Hill, “Moneyball”
Putin sez: And so we bid a fond adieu to Fat Jonah Hill. We’ll miss you, chins #2 and #3!
Truth is Stranger Than Fiction Award: “Tabloid”
Putin sez: I don’t know what you’re talking about. This movie made perfect sense to me.
Least Consequential Two Hours of Narrative of the Year: Everything leading up to the climactic fight in “Warrior”
Putin sez: Not that I’m complaining about watching two hours of Tom Hardy beating up people.
Fuck Me. : “Margin Call”
Putin sez: No thank you.
Best Film to Watch at 4:20 : “The Tree of Life”
Putin sez: Dude, can’t you see how we’re like…we’re like all connected…with God…and trees…and like…Sean Penn…and like it’s all totally a metaphor for Korea…and like HOLY SHIT DINOSAUR
I Want to Have Sex with This Movie: “Drive”
Putin sez: And everyone in it.